Habit 1 of the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

If you're gonna be late, then be late and not just 2 minutes - make it an hour and enjoy your breakfast.
-David Brent, "The Office"

An Inconvenient Truth: The Sequel

It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.
-Dan Quayle

Gaylord Focker, R.N.

Greg's a male nurse.
-Jack Byrnes, "Meet the Parents"

Father Knows Best

My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star.
-Grandpa Simpson ("Abe")

Don't Forget to Breathe

For me to ask a woman out, I've got to get into a mental state like the karate guys before they break the bricks.
-George Costanza

The Lord's Prayer

Bless the grocer for this wonderful meat, the middlemen who jacked up the price, and let's not forget the humane but determined boys at the slaughterhouse.

-Ned Flanders

Merry Festivus

That's the true spirit of Christmas -- people being helped by people other than me.

-Jerry Seinfeld

He's right. I was a physics major in college.

No one ever got laid for breaking the space-time continuum.

-Ando Masahashi, "Heroes"

Did he mean "Jimmy Stewart?"

There's no one perfect. We're always gonna do that. Jimmy Swaggart is lascivious, Mike Tyson is lascivious -- but we're not criminally, at least I'm not, criminally lascivious. You know what I mean. I may like to fornicate more than other people -- it's just who I am. I sacrifice so much of my life, can I at least get laid?
-Mike Tyson

Nietzsche.com

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: It sounds to me like Anthony Jr. may have stumbled onto existentialism.
Tony Soprano: Fucking Internet!

First, do no harm. Second, if you're an OB/GYN...

We got an issue in America. Too many good docs are gettin' out of business. Too many OB/GYNs aren't able to practice their -- their love with women all across this country.
-George W. Bush

Seasons Greetings

I don't do enough for charity - I do it a bit, but you can always do more. But I look at it like this - it's a pain, isn't it?
-Ricky Gervais

Can I borrow your knife to stab you in your throat?

Knee in the groin...

Best Pickup Line

You know I was thinking we could go back home...have some dinner and pop in the Sisqo CD...no? Weren't thinking that? Ok.
-Frank The Tank, "Old School"

A Relationship Is All About Mutual Respect

Marlene: I can't be with someone if I don't respect what they do.

Jerry: You're a cashier!

Police Academy

All right, you scrawny beanpoles: becoming a cop is not something that happens overnight. It takes one solid weekend of training to get that badge.
-Chief Wiggum

The Last Samurai

Low man at the table pays, it's tradition. It's like in ancient times, the Samurais, they had pages. Young boys who'd do their errands, wash their clothes, all that shit.
-Silvio

Iron Mike Geography

I guess I'm gonna fade into Bolivian.
-Mike Tyson

Have You Heard the Good News?

If the Bible has taught us nothing else -- and it hasn't -- it's that girls should stick to girl sports, such as hot oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such and such.
-Homer Simpson

An Inconvenient Truth

When I become president, all you assholes that ride bikes in the city? Lock and load! You're going down!
-Dennis Leary

Girls On Film

[Larry is on the phone ordering a "Girls Gone Wild" tape, using a ridiculous Art Fern type voice] Yes, I was, uh... I was thinking about ordering the tape, the videotape... about the college girls and the... the wild... the wildness. They're going wild or something? Somebody told me... about going wild.
-Larry David

Geopolitics, Paulie Walnuts-style

Christopher: The Russians… They're are not all bad.
Paulie: How about the Cuban missile crises?

You're going to feel a little pinch...

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Have you ever had a prostate exam?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.: Are you kidding? I don't let anyone wag their finger in my FACE
-Tony Soprano

I Heart Clay Aiken

I got two pet peeves: If you watch American Idol, or you're one of those doofuses who dress up as Star Wars and sleep outside, you're a stone-cold loser.
-Charles Barkley

Geopolitics, Larry David-style

Switzerland is a place where they don't like to fight, so they get people to do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate.
-Larry David

Lionel Hutz, Esquire

Well, he's kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace "accidentally" with "repeatedly," and replace "dog" with "son."
-Lionel Hutz

Almost Famous

Fame was like a drug, but what was even more like a drug were the drugs.
-Homer Simpson