Code of Conduct

Mr. Lippman: It's come to my attention that you and the cleaning woman have engaged in sexual intercourse on the desk in your office. Is that correct?
George Costanza: Who said that?
Mr. Lippman: She did.
George Costanza: [pause] Was that wrong? Should I not have done that? I tell you, I gotta plead ignorence on this thing, because if anyone had said anything to me at all when I first started here that that sort of thing is frowned upon... you know, cause I've worked in a lot of offices, and I tell you, people do that all the time.

...And Corey Hart

You know who wear sunglasses inside? Blind people and assholes.
-Larry David

Rich Dad, Poor Dad

Ernie Johnson: "Did you even graduate from Auburn?"
Charles Barkley: "No, but I have a couple people working for me who did."

Oops! I did it again, eh?

I get to go to lots of overseas places - like Canada.
-Britney Spears

Too Little, Too Late

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
-Stephen Wright

"Got Milk?" according to Ari Gold

Got MILF?
-Ari Gold

Open House

Larry: Nice house.
Susie: Yeah, come on. I'll give you a tour.
Larry: Naw, it's ok.
Susie: No, come on.
Larry: No, it's ok. I-I get it.
Susie: You get it?
Larry: Yeah, it's a house. It's new. I get it. It's nice.
Susie: You get it? Ok, you know what? Get the fuck out of my house, Larry.

No Need to "Save the Rainforest"

The best thing about rain forests is they never suffer from drought.
-Dan Quayle

Man's Best Friend

Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals ... except the weasel.
-Homer

Is that "Tyson" with a "y" or "ie"?

There are nine million people who see me in the ring and hate my guts. Most of them are white. That's okay. Just spell my name right.
-Mike Tyson

Location, location, location

Country clubs and cemeteries are the biggest wasters of prime real estate! Dead people? They don't want to be buried nowadays. Ecology, right? Ask Wang. He'll tell you. We just bought property behind the Great Wall. On the good side!
-Al Czervik, "Caddyshack"

Sage Advice

When ordering food, you find out what she wants, then order for the both of you. It's a classy move. "Now, the lady will have the linguini and white clam sauce, and a Coke with no ice."
-Mike Damone, "Fast Times at Ridgmont High"

Working From Home Today

Marge: Homer, the plant called. They said if you don't show up tomorrow don't bother showing up on Monday.
Homer: Woo-hoo. Four-day weekend.

Emotional Intelligence

'Course I still got it.
-Jay Z