F*&% You, Green Team!

From FunnyOrDie...

Disaster Averted

While shopping for my wife's xmas gift, I was going to get these because I thought they were trendy, fashionable, etc. The salesperson fortunately told me that this would send the absolute wrong message. Thank you, salesperson. Will try to pay it forward.

Sports Guy on Dwight Howard

Disclosure: I'm a Christian

One other bonus with Howard that nobody mentions: Because he's a devout Christian, even when he turns 35 in 2020, those will be Christian years -- he won't have any of that smoking-drinking-partying mileage on him, which means he could play at a high level until his early-40s (much like how Kurt Warner keeps chugging along at age 36). In other words, Howard could and should shatter nearly every rebounding record if he stays healthy, and even if he averages a 23-13 for the next 12 years (a conservative guess), when you throw in his previous three seasons, Howard would suddenly be in striking distance of two-thirds of the conceivable NBA records that ever meant anything.

Tiger on Ellen

Not a huge Ellen fan but I'm a big Tiger fan. We share the same hairline.

Dr Ken Jeong

My hero.

Where's Mel Gibson now?

For Dennis Leary fans.


Online Videos by Veoh.com

Never Look Away From Your Opponent

Christian Years = Dog Years

For disclosure purposes, I am a Christian. Seriously. But I thought this was pretty good. Yes, the irony is delicious that I profess my religious beliefs in connection with an article about sports gambling. I am who I am.

From the Sports Guy:

My friend Ace had a really good theory about Kurt Warner's apparent resurgence: Yeah, he's 36 years old ... but those are Christian years. Warner never accumulated any of that smoking-drinking-partying wear-and-tear, so he's 36 on paper but maybe 27 or 28 physically. (As opposed to John Daly, who's 41 on paper but 235 years old physically.) It's like how boxers who spend extended stretches in jail are always described as a "young 35." So maybe Warner's comeback isn't as improbable as it seems.

Headline of the Day

Horribly Awkward First Sexual Encounter 'Worth The Wait' For Christian Newlyweds

CHARLESTON, SC-John and Linda McCue, joined in holy matrimony Sunday before friends, family and their Lord at Holy Christ Almighty Lutheran Church, said the incredibly awkward wedding-night consummation of their love was "well worth the wait."

Mention my name, she'll give you the key

Michael Conley: Keep the Ball on a String

Requires some serious deltoid strength.

It's Thanksgiving Time, I Love Your New Blazer

South Park World of Warcraft

South Park is a new favorite.

Uh, Ted, that's actually a famine

Interviewer: What was North Korea like?
Ted Turner: I had a great time there! I was there last year. They were nice to me. There weren't a lot of fat people walking around. They were all thin. And being thin is healthier than being fat.

Ted Turner, Theologian + Foreign Policy + Economist

The Iranians don't intimidate! They're like the Vietnamese and the Iraqis. You want to start a war with them? They'll still be fighting in fifty years! They believe if they die in warfare, they get forty virgins in heaven. The Christians don't get that! We have more incentive to live, because we don't know what we're getting, you know? Our idea of heaven is lots of hymns, and theirs is lots of sex! The risk-reward thing is skewed the wrong way.

-Ted Turner

What Can Browne Do For You

I'll take the throwback version

Random question on the Travis Henry thing: I thought pot killed sperm cells? How many kids would this guy have sired if he wasn't a fan of the Mary Jane? 20? 30? And did you ever think the same person could potentially shatter Shawn Kemp's fertility records and Ricky Williams' drug test records? Put it this way: You are making a STRONG statement when you purchase a Henry jersey right now. You're basically saying, "I love pot, I love sex, and your dad would have a heart attack if he knew I were dating you."

Non-fat decaf, please

I'll have a vanilla... one of those vanilla bullshit things. You know, whatever you want, some vanilla bullshit latte cappa thing. Whatever you got.
-Larry David

Make Love To Me

"What am I, in the circus?"

His Airness

Aging gracefully.

Friends and Family Plan

Carmine: Is it safe?
Silvio: We each got a new cell phone. You use it once, you toss it. Totally untraceable. That’s what the Taliban used to do.

Harold, Kumar and Doogie

It's a sausage fest in here.

Will Ferrell: The Librarian

Will Ferrell As USC Strength Coach

Longer form.

"He's a big believer in massage therapy."

Will Ferrell, Strength Coach

Swim technique

Ben Stiller as Panama Red

and Florence Nightinglae.

"You gotta fight those, Focker!"

Dissentary Among The Ranks

The Reverand Rodney King Jr.

Christopher's Intervention

Your hair was in the toilet pool. Disgusting.
-Sylvio

Number 2

The Best of Paulie Walnuts - Part 1

A lot of profane language. Not a deal-breaker for me.

I'm not embarassed. You embarassed?

Cowardice defined

Check out the japanese fellow's expression

Sopranos Are Back

In the old days, the ones that came over, that started this thing, they didn't get mad. They just smiled and nodded and made sure you got it later. That's the whole beautiful point. You know what they say: Revenge is like serving cold cuts.
-Tony Soprano

I Put My Pants On One Leg At a Time

And Gene...really, explore the space.

Quitting My Job

You cannot spell "dishonorable" without spelling "honorable."
-Homer S.

Mark Wahlberg as Dignam

Some profanity. Right in my sweet spot.

Best Regards,
The Guy Who Did His Job

David Lee, M.S.E.E., J.D.

Bart, don't make fun of grad students. They've just made a terrible life choice.
-Marge Simpson

Funny Because It's True

Hey, you know the old saying that the camera adds 10 pounds? Apparently Greg Gumbel is being filmed by 20 cameras right now.
-Bill Simmons

Listening to Prozac

My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low-grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a 15-year-old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize; he would drink. He would make outrageous claims, like he invented the question mark. Sometimes, he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring, we’d make meat helmets. When I was insolent, I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds—pretty standard, really. At the age of 12, I received my first scribe. At the age of 14, a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum…it’s breathtaking. I highly suggest you try it.
-Dr. Evil

Skittlebrau

Homer: Got any of that beer that has candy floating in it? You know, Skittlebrau?
Apu: Such a beer does not exist, sir. I think you must have dreamed it.
Homer: Oh. Well, then just give me a six-pack and a couple of bags of Skittles.

Annual Review Time

Weaknesses = Exczema

Bus Dev 101

My favorite commercial

Code of Conduct

Mr. Lippman: It's come to my attention that you and the cleaning woman have engaged in sexual intercourse on the desk in your office. Is that correct?
George Costanza: Who said that?
Mr. Lippman: She did.
George Costanza: [pause] Was that wrong? Should I not have done that? I tell you, I gotta plead ignorence on this thing, because if anyone had said anything to me at all when I first started here that that sort of thing is frowned upon... you know, cause I've worked in a lot of offices, and I tell you, people do that all the time.

...And Corey Hart

You know who wear sunglasses inside? Blind people and assholes.
-Larry David

Rich Dad, Poor Dad

Ernie Johnson: "Did you even graduate from Auburn?"
Charles Barkley: "No, but I have a couple people working for me who did."

Oops! I did it again, eh?

I get to go to lots of overseas places - like Canada.
-Britney Spears

Too Little, Too Late

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
-Stephen Wright

"Got Milk?" according to Ari Gold

Got MILF?
-Ari Gold

Open House

Larry: Nice house.
Susie: Yeah, come on. I'll give you a tour.
Larry: Naw, it's ok.
Susie: No, come on.
Larry: No, it's ok. I-I get it.
Susie: You get it?
Larry: Yeah, it's a house. It's new. I get it. It's nice.
Susie: You get it? Ok, you know what? Get the fuck out of my house, Larry.

No Need to "Save the Rainforest"

The best thing about rain forests is they never suffer from drought.
-Dan Quayle

Man's Best Friend

Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals ... except the weasel.
-Homer

Is that "Tyson" with a "y" or "ie"?

There are nine million people who see me in the ring and hate my guts. Most of them are white. That's okay. Just spell my name right.
-Mike Tyson

Location, location, location

Country clubs and cemeteries are the biggest wasters of prime real estate! Dead people? They don't want to be buried nowadays. Ecology, right? Ask Wang. He'll tell you. We just bought property behind the Great Wall. On the good side!
-Al Czervik, "Caddyshack"

Sage Advice

When ordering food, you find out what she wants, then order for the both of you. It's a classy move. "Now, the lady will have the linguini and white clam sauce, and a Coke with no ice."
-Mike Damone, "Fast Times at Ridgmont High"

Working From Home Today

Marge: Homer, the plant called. They said if you don't show up tomorrow don't bother showing up on Monday.
Homer: Woo-hoo. Four-day weekend.

Emotional Intelligence

'Course I still got it.
-Jay Z