Bawdy George

Seeking Lionel Hutz

2008-09-23T13:19:00.000-07:00

I need a good attorney. The Menlo Park police just busted me with their high tech gadgetry. They alleged that I ran a red light at 11:33 pm on September 15, 2008. Let's examine the facts:

Picture 1 claims that I was in front of the stop line .29 seconds after the light turned red:

That is ludacrisp. For the record and according to this picture, the light was yellow .29 seconds before I approached the line. I doubt that any high tech wizadry can detect that time differential.

Picture 2 alleges that I am beyond the stop line with the light visibly red. Ok, I can stipulate this. For the record, I am operating within the speed limit at 28MPH in a 50 MPH zone.

Picture 3 needs no explanation. That is unmistakeably my mug - although I argue that there is an uncanny resemblance to Daisuke Matsuzaka. A blatant abuse of power - to denigrate the citizenry like this. Also, for the record, my eyes and mouth are unusually wide because of the blinding flash from the picture. A safety hazard nonetheless and a fact in my favor, IMHO.

Picture 4 tries to tie it altogether by getting a picture of my license plate. I cropped it for privacy reasons. I can respect the logic here. That takes away my Anthony Kim argument as well.

My court date is approaching so I need some legal counsel. There are some good facts in my favor including, without limitation: the fact that I'm driving a Prius, the fact that I'm operating within the speed zone and the fact that I am driving home from Oakland to the Peninsula after an 8 hour flight on JetBlue visiting the parents, bless their heart. Wish me luck.

My Moot Court days

2008-08-28T09:41:00.000-07:00

DMX's performance reminds me of my Moot Court performance back in law school. Wish there was no bleep...

Facebook Beacon has a ton of hope

2008-07-02T13:26:00.000-07:00

The answer to this question is a resounding, "Uh, yes." Good to know that "Ab exercises won't get me a cut body" since I had no intention of doing any anyways. Green tea switch is on the radar. "Ultra" green tea sounds intimidating...

Actually, yes, I'm the IT guy

2008-06-28T13:44:00.000-07:00

A classic unintentionally hilarious article entitled "7 Things NEVER to Say to Asian-American Executives."

Some nuggets:

"You must be the IT person."

"You're not Asian, you're from India."

I guess I shouldn't find this so hilarious. I'm also lucky that I work from home, I suppose.

The Fortune Cookie Chronicles

2008-03-03T15:50:00.000-08:00

No snarky, self-consciously ironic, NSFW post here. Jennifer 8 Lee just wrote a book called, "The Fortune Cookie Chronicles." Haven't read it so I can't hype it but I was pleasantly surprised to see her set the record straight with one fact regarding my Pop, Yongsik Lee. Yes, this is how I went to college. My Dad invented the first fully-automated fortune cookie machine and I witnessed first hand the #1 requirement in starting a business: sweat.

I spent one year writing fortunes and in true outsourcing (ie, laziness) fashion, I hired a Harvard JD/PhD in Philosophy to write the fortunes for me. I paid $.50 per accepted fortune. A true CPI model. A man before my time. I never actually calculated the lifetime value of a fortune so maybe I wasn't really before my time...

Congrats, Jennifer, and look forward to reading your first work!

Threadless.com, Giants-style

2008-02-03T12:15:00.000-08:00

I can respect this.

From Busted Coverage.

Rickey Henderson Classic

2008-01-29T11:50:00.000-08:00

Among the many terrific Rickey Henderson jokes is the one where Bobby Valentine was reading the newspaper in the dugout, and Rickey Henderson asked him, ‘what paper do you have there?’ and Valentine goes, ‘Wall Street Journal’ and Henderson goes, ‘pass me the sports section.’

From The Big Lead.

Continued Good S*& in the Big East

2008-01-25T12:47:00.000-08:00

Huh?

Resilience

2008-01-17T09:52:00.000-08:00

We were happily married for eight months. Unfortunately, we were married for four and a half years.
- Nick Faldo

Boom Goes The Dynamite 2.0

2008-01-16T08:28:00.001-08:00

From With Leather. It's actually quite harsh because everyone at some point suffers from speaking anxiety...

High School Yearbook Quotes

2008-01-15T20:45:00.000-08:00

An excerpt:

Never say anything maudlin or sentimental about the person you're dating -- you will be linked to them forever and ever. Just remember, when you get to college, you will break up with them by Columbus Day Weekend, probably get back together during Thanksgiving Break, then break up for good during Christmas vacation. Everyone thinks, "Oh, it won't happen to us." Believe me, it's going to happen -- 99 out of 100 people eventually break up with their high school flames. So keep the gooey stuff to minimum. If you're devoting a quote to your significant other, choose this one: "Dead man walking!"

Area Man Sorry He's Late, Got Here As Fast As He Could

2008-01-15T07:10:00.000-08:00

Area Man Sorry He's Late, Got Here As Fast As He Could

Carter in '08

2008-01-14T18:22:00.000-08:00

I Got What America Needs Right Here

Was Axel Foley gay?

2008-01-12T09:19:00.001-08:00

During breaks in the Skins-Hawks game, I was flicking over to "Beverly Hills Cop" on one of the HD channels, and maybe it was seeing Jenny Summers' come-hither smirk in high definition for the first time, but how did I never notice the smoldering sexual tension in the scene when Axel brings his old friend Jenny back to his Beverly Hills hotel room and she lays down on his bed and bats her eyelashes at him for a couple of minutes? For God's sake, she did everything but take her clothes off and assume the missionary position, and yet Axel was more interested in ordering room service for Taggart and Rosewood. I don't get it.

Which leads me to my $64,000 question: Was Axel Foley secretly gay?

Steroids by Stallone

2008-01-11T12:59:00.001-08:00

Lowest common denominator.

Always go Opus One

2008-01-11T09:21:00.000-08:00

Wine-for-sex exchange turns sour.

From Fark.

#1 LSU fan

2008-01-07T22:26:00.001-08:00

Disgusted and amused.

Patriots v. Packers

2008-01-05T09:34:00.000-08:00

Cowboys are done.

Hottub

2008-01-05T09:31:00.001-08:00

Too hot in the hottub...

Eddie Murphy ~ The 5th Beatle

2008-01-05T09:27:00.001-08:00

She got a ticket to ride and the...

Joe Piscopo w/ Eddie Murphy as Carl Lewis

2008-01-05T09:24:00.001-08:00

I have never seen this and it is an instant classic.So inappropriate.

Stevie Wonder, Joe Piscopo Camera Commercial

2008-01-05T09:18:00.001-08:00

So wonderful.

RickRoll'D

2008-01-05T09:16:00.001-08:00

Love the move at around 2:21 of the video. Also the evolution of the bartender is inspirational.

Got this from Mr. Simmons.

Sly Stallone - Barbara Walters interview

2008-01-04T06:13:00.001-08:00

A true Renaissance Man. Sexual tension is palpable.

F*&% You, Green Team!

2007-12-28T08:33:00.000-08:00

From FunnyOrDie...

Disaster Averted

2007-12-20T15:50:00.001-08:00

While shopping for my wife's xmas gift, I was going to get these because I thought they were trendy, fashionable, etc. The salesperson fortunately told me that this would send the absolute wrong message. Thank you, salesperson. Will try to pay it forward.

Sports Guy on Dwight Howard

2007-12-18T12:23:00.000-08:00

Disclosure: I'm a Christian

One other bonus with Howard that nobody mentions: Because he's a devout Christian, even when he turns 35 in 2020, those will be Christian years -- he won't have any of that smoking-drinking-partying mileage on him, which means he could play at a high level until his early-40s (much like how Kurt Warner keeps chugging along at age 36). In other words, Howard could and should shatter nearly every rebounding record if he stays healthy, and even if he averages a 23-13 for the next 12 years (a conservative guess), when you throw in his previous three seasons, Howard would suddenly be in striking distance of two-thirds of the conceivable NBA records that ever meant anything.

Tiger on Ellen

2007-12-14T15:35:00.001-08:00

Not a huge Ellen fan but I'm a big Tiger fan. We share the same hairline.

Dr Ken Jeong

2007-12-14T15:33:00.001-08:00

My hero.

Where's Mel Gibson now?

2007-10-19T15:30:00.000-07:00

For Dennis Leary fans.

Online Videos by Veoh.com

Never Look Away From Your Opponent

2007-10-18T10:30:00.001-07:00

Christian Years = Dog Years

2007-10-12T16:16:00.000-07:00

For disclosure purposes, I am a Christian. Seriously. But I thought this was pretty good. Yes, the irony is delicious that I profess my religious beliefs in connection with an article about sports gambling. I am who I am.

From the Sports Guy:

My friend Ace had a really good theory about Kurt Warner's apparent resurgence: Yeah, he's 36 years old ... but those are Christian years. Warner never accumulated any of that smoking-drinking-partying wear-and-tear, so he's 36 on paper but maybe 27 or 28 physically. (As opposed to John Daly, who's 41 on paper but 235 years old physically.) It's like how boxers who spend extended stretches in jail are always described as a "young 35." So maybe Warner's comeback isn't as improbable as it seems.

Headline of the Day

2007-10-12T09:04:00.000-07:00

Horribly Awkward First Sexual Encounter 'Worth The Wait' For Christian Newlyweds

CHARLESTON, SC-John and Linda McCue, joined in holy matrimony Sunday before friends, family and their Lord at Holy Christ Almighty Lutheran Church, said the incredibly awkward wedding-night consummation of their love was "well worth the wait."

Mention my name, she'll give you the key

2007-10-10T16:45:00.001-07:00

Michael Conley: Keep the Ball on a String

2007-10-10T16:42:00.001-07:00

Requires some serious deltoid strength.

It's Thanksgiving Time, I Love Your New Blazer

2007-10-08T15:20:00.000-07:00

South Park World of Warcraft

2007-10-07T13:20:00.001-07:00

South Park is a new favorite.

Uh, Ted, that's actually a famine

2007-10-06T09:10:00.000-07:00

Interviewer: What was North Korea like?
Ted Turner: I had a great time there! I was there last year. They were nice to me. There weren't a lot of fat people walking around. They were all thin. And being thin is healthier than being fat.

Ted Turner, Theologian + Foreign Policy + Economist

2007-10-06T09:04:00.000-07:00

The Iranians don't intimidate! They're like the Vietnamese and the Iraqis. You want to start a war with them? They'll still be fighting in fifty years! They believe if they die in warfare, they get forty virgins in heaven. The Christians don't get that! We have more incentive to live, because we don't know what we're getting, you know? Our idea of heaven is lots of hymns, and theirs is lots of sex! The risk-reward thing is skewed the wrong way.

-Ted Turner

What Can Browne Do For You

2007-10-05T15:20:00.000-07:00

I'll take the throwback version

2007-10-05T07:35:00.000-07:00

Random question on the Travis Henry thing: I thought pot killed sperm cells? How many kids would this guy have sired if he wasn't a fan of the Mary Jane? 20? 30? And did you ever think the same person could potentially shatter Shawn Kemp's fertility records and Ricky Williams' drug test records? Put it this way: You are making a STRONG statement when you purchase a Henry jersey right now. You're basically saying, "I love pot, I love sex, and your dad would have a heart attack if he knew I were dating you."

Non-fat decaf, please

2007-10-04T19:28:00.000-07:00

I'll have a vanilla... one of those vanilla bullshit things. You know, whatever you want, some vanilla bullshit latte cappa thing. Whatever you got.
-Larry David

Make Love To Me

2007-10-04T19:19:00.001-07:00

"What am I, in the circus?"

His Airness

2007-10-04T19:07:00.001-07:00

Aging gracefully.

Friends and Family Plan

2007-05-18T10:23:00.000-07:00

Carmine: Is it safe?
Silvio: We each got a new cell phone. You use it once, you toss it. Totally untraceable. That’s what the Taliban used to do.

Harold, Kumar and Doogie

2007-05-10T01:25:00.001-07:00

It's a sausage fest in here.

Will Ferrell: The Librarian

2007-05-02T13:20:00.000-07:00

The Landlord

Will Ferrell As USC Strength Coach

2007-05-02T13:19:00.001-07:00

Longer form.

"He's a big believer in massage therapy."

Will Ferrell, Strength Coach

2007-05-02T13:15:00.001-07:00

Swim technique

Ben Stiller as Panama Red

2007-04-26T20:08:00.001-07:00

and Florence Nightinglae.

"You gotta fight those, Focker!"

Dissentary Among The Ranks

2007-04-23T13:11:00.001-07:00

The Reverand Rodney King Jr.

Christopher's Intervention

2007-04-23T12:57:00.001-07:00

Your hair was in the toilet pool. Disgusting.
-Sylvio

Number 2

2007-04-23T12:53:00.001-07:00

The Best of Paulie Walnuts - Part 1

2007-04-23T12:45:00.001-07:00

A lot of profane language. Not a deal-breaker for me.

I'm not embarassed. You embarassed?

Cowardice defined

2007-04-21T11:46:00.001-07:00

Check out the japanese fellow's expression

Sopranos Are Back

2007-04-09T08:55:00.000-07:00

In the old days, the ones that came over, that started this thing, they didn't get mad. They just smiled and nodded and made sure you got it later. That's the whole beautiful point. You know what they say: Revenge is like serving cold cuts.
-Tony Soprano

I Put My Pants On One Leg At a Time

2007-03-31T08:32:00.001-07:00

And Gene...really, explore the space.

Quitting My Job

2007-03-29T12:47:00.000-07:00

You cannot spell "dishonorable" without spelling "honorable."
-Homer S.

Mark Wahlberg as Dignam

2007-03-23T11:30:00.001-07:00

Some profanity. Right in my sweet spot.

Best Regards,
The Guy Who Did His Job

David Lee, M.S.E.E., J.D.

2007-03-20T10:00:00.000-07:00

Bart, don't make fun of grad students. They've just made a terrible life choice.
-Marge Simpson

Funny Because It's True

2007-03-16T09:37:00.000-07:00

Hey, you know the old saying that the camera adds 10 pounds? Apparently Greg Gumbel is being filmed by 20 cameras right now.
-Bill Simmons

Listening to Prozac

2007-03-14T07:33:00.000-07:00

My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low-grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a 15-year-old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize; he would drink. He would make outrageous claims, like he invented the question mark. Sometimes, he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring, we’d make meat helmets. When I was insolent, I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds—pretty standard, really. At the age of 12, I received my first scribe. At the age of 14, a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum…it’s breathtaking. I highly suggest you try it.
-Dr. Evil

Skittlebrau

2007-03-13T13:49:00.000-07:00

Homer: Got any of that beer that has candy floating in it? You know, Skittlebrau?
Apu: Such a beer does not exist, sir. I think you must have dreamed it.
Homer: Oh. Well, then just give me a six-pack and a couple of bags of Skittles.

Annual Review Time

2007-03-11T13:01:00.001-07:00

Weaknesses = Exczema

Bus Dev 101

2007-03-11T12:58:00.001-07:00

My favorite commercial

2007-03-11T12:57:00.001-07:00

Code of Conduct

2007-01-30T07:49:00.000-08:00

Mr. Lippman: It's come to my attention that you and the cleaning woman have engaged in sexual intercourse on the desk in your office. Is that correct?
George Costanza: Who said that?
Mr. Lippman: She did.
George Costanza: [pause] Was that wrong? Should I not have done that? I tell you, I gotta plead ignorence on this thing, because if anyone had said anything to me at all when I first started here that that sort of thing is frowned upon... you know, cause I've worked in a lot of offices, and I tell you, people do that all the time.

...And Corey Hart

2007-01-29T05:52:00.000-08:00

You know who wear sunglasses inside? Blind people and assholes.
-Larry David

Rich Dad, Poor Dad

2007-01-28T08:02:00.000-08:00

Ernie Johnson: "Did you even graduate from Auburn?"
Charles Barkley: "No, but I have a couple people working for me who did."

Oops! I did it again, eh?

2007-01-24T07:21:00.000-08:00

I get to go to lots of overseas places - like Canada.
-Britney Spears

Too Little, Too Late

2007-01-17T14:12:00.000-08:00

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
-Stephen Wright

"Got Milk?" according to Ari Gold

2007-01-13T13:33:00.000-08:00

Got MILF?
-Ari Gold

Open House

2007-01-13T10:42:00.000-08:00

Larry: Nice house.
Susie: Yeah, come on. I'll give you a tour.
Larry: Naw, it's ok.
Susie: No, come on.
Larry: No, it's ok. I-I get it.
Susie: You get it?
Larry: Yeah, it's a house. It's new. I get it. It's nice.
Susie: You get it? Ok, you know what? Get the fuck out of my house, Larry.

No Need to "Save the Rainforest"

2007-01-12T07:55:00.000-08:00

The best thing about rain forests is they never suffer from drought.
-Dan Quayle

Man's Best Friend

2007-01-09T06:07:00.000-08:00

Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals ... except the weasel.
-Homer

Is that "Tyson" with a "y" or "ie"?

2007-01-07T10:04:00.000-08:00

There are nine million people who see me in the ring and hate my guts. Most of them are white. That's okay. Just spell my name right.
-Mike Tyson

Location, location, location

2007-01-04T14:59:00.000-08:00

Country clubs and cemeteries are the biggest wasters of prime real estate! Dead people? They don't want to be buried nowadays. Ecology, right? Ask Wang. He'll tell you. We just bought property behind the Great Wall. On the good side!
-Al Czervik, "Caddyshack"

Sage Advice

2007-01-03T07:37:00.000-08:00

When ordering food, you find out what she wants, then order for the both of you. It's a classy move. "Now, the lady will have the linguini and white clam sauce, and a Coke with no ice."
-Mike Damone, "Fast Times at Ridgmont High"

Working From Home Today

2007-01-02T08:36:00.000-08:00

Marge: Homer, the plant called. They said if you don't show up tomorrow don't bother showing up on Monday.
Homer: Woo-hoo. Four-day weekend.

Emotional Intelligence

2007-01-01T23:59:00.000-08:00

'Course I still got it.
-Jay Z

Habit 1 of the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

2006-12-31T10:06:00.000-08:00

If you're gonna be late, then be late and not just 2 minutes - make it an hour and enjoy your breakfast.
-David Brent, "The Office"

An Inconvenient Truth: The Sequel

2006-12-30T08:09:00.000-08:00

It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.
-Dan Quayle

Gaylord Focker, R.N.

2006-12-29T08:24:00.000-08:00

Greg's a male nurse.
-Jack Byrnes, "Meet the Parents"

Father Knows Best

2006-12-28T05:08:00.000-08:00

My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star.
-Grandpa Simpson ("Abe")

Don't Forget to Breathe

2006-12-27T05:19:00.000-08:00

For me to ask a woman out, I've got to get into a mental state like the karate guys before they break the bricks.
-George Costanza

The Lord's Prayer

2006-12-26T07:12:00.000-08:00

Bless the grocer for this wonderful meat, the middlemen who jacked up the price, and let's not forget the humane but determined boys at the slaughterhouse.

-Ned Flanders

Merry Festivus

2006-12-25T08:52:00.000-08:00

That's the true spirit of Christmas -- people being helped by people other than me.

-Jerry Seinfeld

He's right. I was a physics major in college.

2006-12-24T20:11:00.000-08:00

No one ever got laid for breaking the space-time continuum.

-Ando Masahashi, "Heroes"

Did he mean "Jimmy Stewart?"

2006-12-23T07:48:00.000-08:00

There's no one perfect. We're always gonna do that. Jimmy Swaggart is lascivious, Mike Tyson is lascivious -- but we're not criminally, at least I'm not, criminally lascivious. You know what I mean. I may like to fornicate more than other people -- it's just who I am. I sacrifice so much of my life, can I at least get laid?
-Mike Tyson

Nietzsche.com

2006-12-23T07:40:00.000-08:00

Dr. Jennifer Melfi: It sounds to me like Anthony Jr. may have stumbled onto existentialism.
Tony Soprano: Fucking Internet!

First, do no harm. Second, if you're an OB/GYN...

2006-12-22T09:54:00.000-08:00

We got an issue in America. Too many good docs are gettin' out of business. Too many OB/GYNs aren't able to practice their -- their love with women all across this country.
-George W. Bush

Seasons Greetings

2006-12-21T16:31:00.000-08:00

I don't do enough for charity - I do it a bit, but you can always do more. But I look at it like this - it's a pain, isn't it?
-Ricky Gervais

Can I borrow your knife to stab you in your throat?

2006-12-20T11:27:00.000-08:00

Knee in the groin...

Best Pickup Line

2006-12-20T07:37:00.000-08:00

You know I was thinking we could go back home...have some dinner and pop in the Sisqo CD...no? Weren't thinking that? Ok.
-Frank The Tank, "Old School"

A Relationship Is All About Mutual Respect

2006-12-18T12:27:00.000-08:00

Marlene: I can't be with someone if I don't respect what they do.

Jerry: You're a cashier!

Police Academy

2006-12-16T08:48:00.000-08:00

All right, you scrawny beanpoles: becoming a cop is not something that happens overnight. It takes one solid weekend of training to get that badge.
-Chief Wiggum

The Last Samurai

2006-12-15T08:32:00.000-08:00

Low man at the table pays, it's tradition. It's like in ancient times, the Samurais, they had pages. Young boys who'd do their errands, wash their clothes, all that shit.
-Silvio

Iron Mike Geography

2006-12-13T14:27:00.001-08:00

I guess I'm gonna fade into Bolivian.
-Mike Tyson

Have You Heard the Good News?

2006-12-13T09:05:00.000-08:00

If the Bible has taught us nothing else -- and it hasn't -- it's that girls should stick to girl sports, such as hot oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such and such.
-Homer Simpson

An Inconvenient Truth

2006-12-12T13:58:00.001-08:00

When I become president, all you assholes that ride bikes in the city? Lock and load! You're going down!
-Dennis Leary